


Bring Me 2 Life

by GothicPrincessWitch



Series: Bring Me 2 Life - Da Goffik Verse [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Act 3, Alone (quest), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anders is an ass, Goffik!Anderz, M/M, My Immortal AU, On The Loose (quest), Purple Hawke, Templars are preps, Unrequited Love, satire fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-14 02:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9153415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicPrincessWitch/pseuds/GothicPrincessWitch
Summary: Anders Dark'ness Lacrymosa Ember Justice Way is a goth mage who likes cats, hates Templar preps, and is in love with Garrett Hawke. Hawke is pining for the elf who left him three years ago. Nothing like a love triangle for some gothic romantic drama.The My Immortal AU nobody asked for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special gratitude and dedication to the amazing Archdemonblood and the lovely theoxfordcommando on Tumblr! Thank you for encouraging me to write this epic craziness!
> 
> This fic is Anders Critical. You have been warned.
> 
> NO FLAMEZ DONT LIEK DONT READ

Hi my name is Anders Dark'ness Lacrymosa Ember Justice Way and I have long golden blonde hair with blue streaks that reaches my shoulders and glowing blue eyes like frozen icy stars on blue fire and a lot of people tell me I look like the Hero of Ferelden (AN if U don't know who that is get da hell outta here!). I'm a mage and possessed by a demon named B'Loody Vengeance. I have pale lily white skin and blond stubble and I work at a clinic in Darktown where I'm the greatest healer evah. I'm a goth (and so is B'Loody Vengeance) and i wear mostly black robes. I love Hot Topik and buy all my black feathered coats there. For example today I was wearing a long black robe with matching fringe and a black belt with a gold buckle and a black coat with matching black feathered pauldrons and black fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, black eyeliner, and blue eyeshadow. I was walking around Hightown with a black staff with a dragon on it. A lot of Templars stared at me. I flicked my middle finger up at them.

"Hey Anders!" Somebody shouted. It was............ Garrett Hawke!

"Sup Hawke?" I exclaimed gothically.

"Off to meet Fenris," he relied engeticaly.

I glared at him for mentioning that fuking poser and glowed bluely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: anders nam iz Asshole not mari su ok!!111 stup flemming plzzz!!!!!!!111111

The next day I was at the Wounded Coast. I was wearing a long black coat that went down to my knees with black feathers and matching black lace on it and black combat boots with lots of leather straps and buckles on them. I had a big staff with a black dragon and a blood-red Crystal on it and black and gold earrings in my ears and my hair was half up in a messy ponytail.

My super hawt boyfriend Garrett Hawke was in red leather armor with all these black belts and bird skulls on them all very goffik, and he had a black bears and luscious black eyelashes and golden eyes like a vampire. He had two shiny daggers with black hilts and spikes on the hilts, and they were covered in blood as he cut through slavers.

Poser Fenris and stupid prep Aveline were there too. Fenrys was such a wannabe in black leather armor with spikes and clawed gauntlets with a red cloth on one of them and he was glowing too, but he clearly wasn't goffik like me and Hawke. Abelin was a dumb prep with ginger hair, and I put up my middle finger at her while her back was turned while she was smashing her shield against a slaver's face.

I was at the beck because I'm a Mage and mages are ranged fighters and I have a staff to shoot goffik ice and black flames. We were fighting slavers, which is ok, but I'd rather fight Templars cuz they're preps and I fucking hate them.

A slaner slashed at me with his sword and I got mad because I didn't want any of my feathers to tear. I cast my blak fire magic at him and he scremed and scremed because I'm a Mage and preps fear mages and hate us cuz they're preps.

Fenris took the skaver's head off and I got enraged cuz he stole my kill so I told him to fuk off. Then he started talking to Hawke, so I called him a rabid dog and poser and gave him a lecture on how not all mages are evil. But then more slavers attacked and he was very rude and fought them instead of listening to me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fangz 2 Archdemonblood 4 da help! And thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!

A few days later I was at my clinic in Darktown. Its nemed Darktown cuz that's where all the goffs live, obviously, and that's where my clinic is. I'm a healer, because I'm a Mage, and people come to me for magic and healing, and everyone loves me. Well, everyone who thinks mages should be free, and they're the only ones who actually matter as people.

B'Loody Vengeance and I were using our combined powers to brew up a magical potion, and I was looking supah hawtt with my long black robe corset-like lacing on the sides and back, black fingernail polish, and black boots with ram skull designs on the sides. I was glowing bluely as B'Loodi Vengensh and I cast our majick and my cat wandered in. My cat is also goth with sleek black fur with red streaks and blood red eyes an a upside down pentagram on his forehead cuz we're both Satanists. His name is B'Lack Death, and he wears a black studded collar that says "Templarz suck" on it.

I pet my cat, and he purred. Then he hissed at the elf patient who was getting the healing poshun before wandering off. I eyed the elf suspishusly. B'Lack Deff only likes goffs and mages, so now I was pretty sure this elf was a pozer and a prep. After she left someone else came in the clinic.

It was............................ Garrett Hawke!

Hawke was wearing black and red leather with spikes and studs and had a gothic streak of blood smeared across his nose. He waved at me cherily and I waved back. I have the hottest boyfriend ever. I wonder what it would feel like to kiss his Raven-black beard and rub my face all over it. Mmm.

I pulled out a chair for him to sit down and dragged my own chair to sit right next to him, the lace on my black robe brushing against his muscular, leather-clad thighs. Hawke scoots his chair away a few inches so that there's breathing space between us, but he's pressed against the wall now and can't go anywhere as I move in close so that we're touching again.

"Hi," I said gothically.

"Hello, Anders," he said back, leaning away slightly. I leaned forward eagerly and put my chin in my hands coyly. I'm such an amazing boyfriend.

"So," I said. Goffikly. My icy blue eyes gleamed with the thousand burning suns of my love for this beautiful bearded man who was so cool and definitely read every copy of my manifesto that I put on his bed and bookshelves whenever he wasn't home.

"So," he said back, "there's this concert at the Hanged Man tomorrow night."

The Hanged Man is our favorite bar over in Lowtown. Our friend Varric lives there, and so does that skanky bitch Isabela. Despite Isabela's presence it's a super cool bar all painted black with a hanging skeleton in front -- that's why it's called the Hanged Man, geddit?

"Who's playing?" I asked.

"The Pretty Reckless," said Hawke. "I was trying to decide if I should ask Fenris to go with me or not. It's been three years now, and things are pretty good between us now. I don't think it would be weird for the two of us to go out alone together just as friends -- as much as I'd like to be more than friends with him, that is, but I want to respect his boundaries because that's more important, and--"

"OH MY FUCKING MAKER!!!!! We have to go together!" I shooted exitedly, not listening to whatever the duck he was saying about that slave freak.

"Together?" echoed Hawke. He blinked and looked confused for a moment, which was weird, but then he nodded. "Maybe going in a group would make things a little easier. I want him to feel comfortable above all else. Thanks for the advice, Anders. You're a good friend."

I was so fuking excited! Going on a date with my sexah boyfriend the Champion of Kirkwall to see the second greatest band ever (MCR is the greatest, obviously) was going to be so much fun! I had to pick out an amazing gothic outfit to show off my hot bod, and maybe at the end of the concert we would finally do the sex! Hawke started going on about that rabid animal again, so I stopped paying attention and started planning the most perfect outfit ever for our date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's an actual Fenhawke plot in this fic, I swear.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The positive response I've gotten from everyone reading this fic has been nothing short of wonderful, so thank you! Love to all of you! <3 
> 
> Speshal fangz 2 Archdemonblood 4 da editing help! U rock!

The night of the concert I wore a pair of skintight blak leather leggings cuz I know Garrett Hawke is into that kind of thing, and over that I put on a large black tee shirt that says "Tevinter Rox!!!" on it. I slid on a pair of black lace-up combat boots that came up to mid-calf height and had studs all over the heels and ankles, and then I covered the ensemble in a long black coat with a gold belt and feathers on the shoulders. I pulled my shoulder-length dark blonde hair into a messy bun atop my head and pinned it with a clip that had a feather and a icy-blue rhinestone skull on it and I had on so much black eyeshadow that Taylor Momsen would be jealous. B'Loody Vengeance agreed that we look super amazingly hawtt when I looked in the mirror.

I exited the clinic to see Hawke and Fenrys outside waiting for me. They were talking and laffing together, and the slave freak had a stupid grin on his face, so I went over and came in between them so that he would get the hint to stop flirting with MY boyfriend.

"Hi, Hawke!" I said enthusiastically.

"Uh, hey, Anders," he repled gothicly.

"It's so awesome that we're going to this concert together!" I shouted, stepping in front of Fenrys to block Hawke's view of him. "I'm gonna sing along to every word of every song. R U gunna sing wif me?"

"How can I resist the chance to gift the world with my delightful singing voice?" Hawke quipped purplely.

Fenris giggled. I glared at him and laughed louder to drown him out.

We were only attacked by bandits twice on our way to Lowtown, although each time involved a few waves of thugs seemingly dropping from the sky. We also ended up being sidetracked several times for Garrett Hawke to rifle through some barrels and crates and dig out ten pairs of torn trousers.

Finally we made it to the Hanged Man. It's a run down shady bar that's been covered in black paint and black guazey curtains with blood red acccents and it's the only place for goffs outside the gothic paradise of Darktown where the sun doesn't reach. There's a skeloton hanging upside down by a noose in front of the door, and that's why it's called the Hanged Man. One time My Chemical Romance played here years ago and i nearly fucking exploded from excitement. Like seriously. B'Luddy Vengeance was glowing so brightly that we had to abscond before the Templar prepZ showed up.

I hoped no prepz would show up tonit cuz that would suck ass.

Our friend Varric and the rest of Hawke's friends were waiting for us at a table inside. The dumb prep witch Merrill waved us over (she's not my kind of mage, so I don't count her as a mage). Hawke gave her a hug when we approached them. My sexah boyfriend takes so much pity on unfortunate losers. Hence the rest of the group (besides me and Varric). Merrill was wearing a stupid green dress with a yellow floral print scarf, and Isabela was wearing a short slutty white dress. I grabbed the seat closest to what Hawke chose and stole Sebastian's drink.

"Why is your outfit like that?" I sneered at the prep priest.

"Is there a problem with my armor?" Sebastian asked, on russet eyebrow raised.

"You got Andraste's face on your crotch," I told him. He did. It hurt my delicate satanist sensibilities, and I told him dat too.

He muttered sumthin really un-priest-like unda his breath and went off to get another drink.

Dumb ginger prep Abelin pulled Fenrys aside to talk about some letter or whatever the hell. I don't know. They were murmuring, and I didn't really give a fuck because the concert was starting! I jumped up and I grabbed Hawke's hand and pulled him to his feet.

I shrieked, "We have to go dance right now!"

"Good to see you so enthusiastic about something other than your manifesto, Blondie," said Varric, and I flipped him off with my free hand and dragged Hawke close to the stage. Our black leather-gloved hands were entwined, and it was fuking perfect, oh my Maker!

But then! Suddenly! We ran into someone!

It was.................. Nit-Kepten Cullen!


	5. Chapt. 5 U Make Me Wanna Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a blast to write. The song lyrics in this are from "You Make Me Wanna Die" by The Pretty Reckless, and the video is https://youtu.be/txBfhpm1jI0 if you'd like to listen to it. It's more grunge rock than goth, but you can't expect Anders Dark'ness Lacrymosa Ember Justice Way to know the difference, can you?

_Take me, I'm alive_  
_Never was a girl with a wicked mind_  
_But everything looks better when the sun goes down_

It was................ Knit Caption Cullen!

Net-capten Cullen Riverford is a stupid fuking tamplar prep with stoopid curly hair and a chiseled jawline and a annoying voice, and he waz totes outta place as a obvious prep freek in a blak Abercrombie sweater and a oxblood pea coat in the goffik club that is the Hanged Man. I glared at him hetefully.

Taylor Momsen's alto grunge singing voice washed over the room.

 _I had everything_  
_Opportunities_ _for_ _eternity_  
_But I could belong to the night_

"Champion," the hideous noodle-haired Templar prep greeted.

"Cullen," said my sexah boyfriend in surprise. I'm sure he was just as disgusted as I was to see this prep intruding on OUR date where he's not wanted. "This is an unusual place to see you in." Why was Hawke smiling? Ugh, he needs to stop being nice to losers!!!!!

Cullen shifted from foot to foot awkwardly and shoved his hands in the pockets of his pea coat. B'Lodi Vengeans wanted to blast him in his ugly face with a blak fireball of goffik flame, and i folded my arms across my chest and gave him my best resting bitch face.

Have I mentioned that I fuking hate tamplar prepz? Because I do totally fucking do! They're so awful and gross and hate meges for no reason. I wanna burn all their faces off and show them why mages should be feared! That'll show them! Then the preps will see that mages should all be free and that they're stupid oppressive prepz!

"It's not a familiar setting for me, that's for certain," Cullen was saying, his brown eyes darting around the candlelit bar shiftily. "Champion, I know Meredith has sent you a letter summoning you to her office at the Gallows tomorrow. I have some information you should be aware of before you meet with her. Meredith has become more extreme in her methods lately, and I fear--"

"Prepz like Meredeff and U are the reason for everything that is wrong with this world!" I scremed because I was sick of listening to his endless barrage of Mage hate and wanted him to stop talking. His voice is so greating! I was reaching for my beautiful blak goffik staff, when suddenly! Hawke stepped in front of me!

"Anders, stop!" He declared goffikly. "Now is not the time or place!"

My icy blue eyes filled with limpid tears. How could my amazingly supportive boyfriend turn on me like that? I was so deprezed! He was supposed to stand with me against the tyranny of the prepz! How could he witness this injustice and not help me?

 _Your eyes, your eyes_  
_I can see in your eyes_ , _your eyes  
You make me wanna die_

Cullen's eyes were cold and golden just like Edward Cullen's, except he wasn't a sparkly hawtt vampyre. "Hawke, I'm well aware that your position as Champion and defender of the city extends protection to your companions, but that privilege only goes so far," he exclaimed dramatically with a sharp look at Garrett Hawke. He adjusted the goldenrod scarf around his neck. "I suggest you both remember that before Meredith finds an excuse." He turned to leave (presumably to return to his evil tamplar lair where he tortures goffik mages for his own sick entertainment), but then he glenced back at Hawke and doomily added on, "Please, come see me at the Gallows tomorrow before you speak to the Knight-Commander." Then he left, awkwardly and obviously evilly bumping into people on his way out.

 _Taste me, drink my s_ _oul_  
Show me all the things that I shouldn't know  
And there's a blue moon on the rise

I burst into tearz and creid. "Garrett Hawke, how could you do that to me on our date?!!11" I cried gothicly.

"On our WHAT?" said Hawke. He looked at me with those big soulful eyes, and I found myself getting lost in the depths of that golden ocean. If I drown, I'll drown in that perfect gaze that belongs to me. "Anders, you're my friend, and I care about you, which means I don't want you to get taken off to be made Tranquil for attacking the Knight-Captain!"

_And everything you love will burn up in the light_

"You care about me?" I was swooning. Garrett Hawke loves me!

A huff of breath, more of a sigh, came from my beautiful bisexual boyfriend's sexah lips. "Of course I care," he said.

"Then make this up to me!" I demanded depressedly.

"....sure."

The Pretty Reckless were performing on stage, and that skank Taylor Momsen was flipping her bleached blonde hair as she sang, and I grabbed Garrett Hawke's hand and pulled him closer to the stage and sang along.

 _I would die for you, my love, my lo_ _ve_  
I would lie for you, my love, my love  
I would steal for you, my love, my love

As I sang, I realized sumthin. Hawke was going to the Gallows tomorrow. I had to protect him from the prepz! I would kill ever person in Kirkwall to protect my boyfriend. Every single damn one. I'd burn the city down to the ground so long as Garrett Hawke loves me and supports my cause of all the freedomz for all the mages -- at least, all the mages who agree with me cuz they're the ones who matter.

_I would die for you, my love, my love  
We'll burn up in the light_

I turned to stare at him, only to find him staring at that rabid dog, who was looking around the room judgementally and unimpressedly because he's a poser who looks down on all real goffs (u can tell dat bcuz he hates meges). Why was my boyfriend staring at that slave like he was as perfectly hawtt as Gerard Way?

 _Every time I look inside your eyes_  
_I'm burning in the light  
Every time I look inside your eyes_

Was Garrett Hawke cheating on me?!

_You make me wanna die._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge shout out and thank you to everyone who's enjoyed this fic and left kudos, comments, or sent me messages! An extra big thank you to theoxfordcommando, Archdemonblood, alyssallyrion, 9lunarseas6, Stitchcasual, Mirasie, 170713, and the lovely anon who sent me such a sweet message on tumblr! I love you all and hope you enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> (And my heart for art of sparkling prep!Cullen in Gryffindor colors)
> 
> EDIT: The art has been made! The amazing Archdemonblood has made accompanying art of sparkly Cullen! It is utterly magnificent <3 http://archdemonblood.tumblr.com/post/155611495503/okay-so-things-i-dont-have-any-artistic-talent


	6. Ch. #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fangz 2 Archdemonblood 4 da editing help! U rok! 
> 
> And thank you to everyone for reading and commenting on this fic. I think this might be the most ridiculous chapter yet. :D

The next day I was in my clinic crying goffik blak tearz of gothic blak blud. This was so unfair! I was so deprezed! I creid and cryed. Dark goffik clouds of deprezion crushed down on me, and I flung myself to the clinic floor in a fit of despair. There is no good in this world and nothing worth living for!

"Why doesn't he love me?!?!" I sobbed depressedly. "I like cats! Dat means I'm a gud person who can do no wrong! Why doesn't he want me?!"

My best friend Archdemonblood Dark Mark Dementor Fallow'mire Lee was dere comforting me. (Archdemonblood dis iz U!!!1111) Archdemonblood (Demon for short) is my bestest friend evah. They're tall and ethereally pretty wif long blak waist-length raven hair, and they were wearing a black miniskirt wif lace and fishnets on unda the skirt and combat boots and a black leather corset with spikes on it and a matching spiked collar, and their makeup was like mine with black eyeshadow, black eyeliner, and black lipstick, except mind looked better cuz I'm the best. (We're goffs, in case you couldn't tell. I tried to make it obvious, but sometimes the point goes over people's heads. Dats why sum ppl dunt lik meges.) Demon was abandoned as a baby in the Deep Roads and was found by a group of Darkspawn who raised them and converted them to Stanism. Then we met when I wuz traveling da Dep Roods wif da Warden Tabris (who is da biggest fuking pozer I have evah met evah), and we became best friends and now they live in Kirkwall wif me.

"I'm sure he's not chitting on you," said Demon gothickally. "You are too good to be cheated on! Why would Hawke ever cheat on you with a pozer elf?"

"Because that wild animal musta hypnotized him or sumthin!" I whaled.

"Mebbe he's so intimated by how perfect you are," said Demon. "You are so talented and beautiful, and maybe Hawke is overwhelmed by your pureness, or maybe he is so afraid of losing you that he is pushing you away to protect you like Edward Cullen in New Moon."

"Why am i too good at too many things?" I cried in despair.

I continued crying for hours. I put on all my Evanescence albums and painted my nails black while crying, and then I put on my Nightwish albums and painted my toenails black too.

Eventually I ran out of black nail polish, and I started getting angry. I was not going to lose my boyfriend without a fight! I was going to storm over to his fancy mansion up in Hightown and demand that he tell me the truth and demand that he leave his pet and be faithful to me or I would set his estate on fire with goffik black flames! I grabbed a new copy of my manifesto to drop off, and B'Loody Vengeance crackled with blue power as we stormed through the sewers, across Lowtown, and up the steps to Hightown.

A few noble preps gave me snobby looks as I stormed through Hightown, my black coat flaring out behind me like the dark wings of an avenging angel of death. I put up my middle finger at them.

I pounded on the door with my staff until Bodahn let me in, and I waved him aside and strode in angrily up to Hawke's study.

(I hoped he was home. This would be awkward otherwise.)

I could hear voices coming from inside the study. One of them was Hawke's! "Then let's go speak to the Comtesse deLauncet about her son and find out if she knows anything," he was saying doomily.

But then! Suddenly! I heard that awful boyfriend-stealing slave speak. I don't know what he said and didn't care. I kicked the door in with a blast of magic and marched in flaring with power.

"GARRETT HAWKE YOU MOTHERFUKER!!!!!" I shouted. 


	7. Chapter 7: Don't Be Suspicious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a few days late. I'm hoping to turn out the next one more quickly. Huge amounts of love and gratitude to all you wonderful people reading, commenting, and leaving kudos! I love you all! <3

B'lodi Venjenss and I shine with an Icy sapphire glow like the shimmer of cerulean flames that illuminated Hawke's study as I burst into the room, screming at my cheating boyfriend. "How could you do that to me?!" I shreeked like a banshee of vengenance.

Hawke, who was with Abelin, Sebesten, and that horrible boyfriend-stealing poseur, turned to me and sed, "Hello, Anders. Is there something wrong?"

"Damn right dere's sumthin wrong!" I creid. "You an dat elf!"

Hawke appeared very stricken and upset, which made me happy because I knew he felt bad for chitting on me.

"He killed his wife for blood magic. I... wasn't able to save her in time," he replied depressedly, closing his vampyre-gold eyes mournfully.

I stopped, confused. Since when did Fenrys have a wife? Just how many people was that skank sleeping around with?!

"It wasn't your fault, Hawke," the wild animal said softly. I glared bitterly at him. How dare he speak to my boyfriend after stealing him from me, breaking up with him, steeling him again, and -- the WORST of ALL!!! -- hating mages! Unforgivable offenses!

Hawke opened his beautiful golden eyes and pinned my soul with that heart-rending gothic gaze. "Anders, do you know of a mage in Darktown named Evelina?" he asked dramatickly.

"Mebbe I do. Why do U ask?" I said gothickly.

"She may be in danger as well," responded Hawke, "or she may be a danger to others. Cullen hinted that she may have turned to blood magic like Huon. He also hinted that-- Well, I don't want to put you at any risk, knowing your part in the Mage Underground. But please, if you know any information about Evelina, I'd appreciate your help. I want to save as many lives as possible here."

I felt starstruck and swoony and overwhelmed by my love for this beautifully bearded man who was so concerned with saving people and helping things. He's my goffik knight of the night in black and blood red shiny leather armor. My Gothic Prince Charming (and like so many fucking times better than the Prince of Prepz over in the corner)! Just look at how I'm his priority over everyone else -- especially that ugly, cheating slave.

Except I couldn't answer his question because I'd spent the past few days wallowing in the depths of goffik despair in my clinic. I told him dat I would ask around and find out. He nodded and went to go grab health potions and stamina potions before we headed out. (I didn't exactly agree to coming along with the prep party, but Garrett Hawke is kind of like a force of nature all his own, and sometimes you just get swept up going along on his gothic knightly quests.)

While he was upstairs, the three prepz drew all close together on the other side of the study to talk. I heard the rabid slave suspiciously, "Aveline, have you heard any more information about that ship?"

I lifted my head and moved over slightly in order to overhear. They were talking behind Hawke's back!!! They must be plotting against him!! Oh my fuking Satan! I knew dis would happen! They're preps and Fenrys is a pozer -- of course they'd turn on such a perfekt goff couple like me and Hawke! Those Mage-hating bitches need to be stapped!

"I haven't heard anything yet, Fenris," murmured Abelin shadily, "but I promise to keep you informed."

"Thank you, Aveline," sed Fenrys evilly plottingly.

"It's going to be alright, my friend. We'll be right there with you to meet her," added on Sebestian in that annoyingly preppy brogue of his. How dare anyone have a sexier acccent than me! I kept creeping closer to listen more.

"You can't guarantee that," repled the wild animal. "I have clearly taken leave of my senses to attempt something so monumentally idiotic."

"You should tell Hawke. Ask for his help," the stupid ginger guard prep said backstabbingly. "He loves you. He'd do anything for you."

"I can't. I don't want him to--"

Fenrys cut off mid-sentence, and the three of them all looked at me guardedly. Somehow they had caught on to my subtle eavesdropping skills. I moved the final two feet closer to them and glared down at the elf as threateningly as I could.

"I'm gonna tell Hawke you're working against him!" I declared triumphently.

Those evil, Mage-hating green eyes narrowed, and he snepped, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Did you plot against your master the way you're plotting against Hawke?" I said goffikly.

His pozer hands in clawed wannabe goffik gauntlets clenched into fists, and Abelin moved forward, totally about to threaten me which was so uncalled for, when suddenly!!!! Hawke returned!

Hawke had his big goffik now strapped across his back, and he was grinning that perfeecftly handsome purple smile I love so much. "So," he said depressedly engeticaly, "are we ready to go?"

"Yes," growled that animal. "We are."

"Wonderful," answered Hawke. He stepped over and I watched in horror as he brushed a strand of salt-white hair behind the elf's pointed ear. Their eyes were locked, and I wanted to screme with rage. But the moment was broken when my boyfriend pulled away and headed for the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up on tumblr (gothic-princess-witch) anytime if you want to talk about Bring Me 2 Life, Fenris love, Anders hate, or general Dragon Age feels! :)


	8. Ch ###8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well ok u guyz im writting dis cuz i got 5 gud revoiws. all de cool goffik ppl who lik dis R so gr8! 2 all da prepz who kep flemming da stori Andrez iz NUT a Mari Sue ok! He haz rly serius problemz lik mage oppression 2 deal wif. Mege oppression iz a very reel and sirius issue ok! MCR ROX!

We filed out after Hawke and headed up to the fanciest part of the Hightown estates. I kept shooting glares at the others' backs. What were they plotting? I needed to tell Hawke. But I should find out more information and stuff to tell him so that I can warn him exactly how they're trying to murder him -- or worse, try to change him into a prep! Noooooo!!! That would be fuking terrible! I was getting deprezed just thinking bout it! I pikchured my sexah boyfriend in a purple polo shirt with the collar popped and a argyle sweater tied around his neck, and I shuddered in sheer and utter disgust. Oh my Satan this cannut Be!

Hawke led us to a mansion, and it was-- fancy? Preppy? Fuck, like I know how to describe architecture. I was locked in a tower and suffered so much goffik suffering! None of these fuckers knows sweet pain the way I've been tormented!

Orlesian! That's the word to describe this mansion. It was like so Orlesian. Orlesians are the preppiest of preps, ugh. And these stupid Hightown nobles were very annoying. I put up my middle finger at them, and the priest gave me a dirty look. They were very shiny, and I wasn't paying a lot of attention until I suddenly realized they were talking about an escaped Circle Mage. That captured my attention. I'm a Mage! Mages are my thing! I needed to find out if this mege was my kind of Mage. (If he wasn't, then no way was I going to help him, oh my Satan!)

This mage -- Emile? Ugh, what a preppy name! -- was apparently at the Hanged Man. Dat's not so bad. A runaway mage struggling to escape the tyranny and injustice of the tamplar prepz and taking refuge in the gothic sanctuary of the Hanged Man! Well, duh! Of course I had to be the hero and save this poor desperate gothic soul! Obviously!

"Oh, but de Hanged Man is so filthy!" wailed the whiny Comtesse as her husband led her away dramatickly.

"It is filthy," muttered pozer Fenrys unda hid breath.

"We must go rescue this helpless Mage!" I shooted passively at Hawke.

"Let's go see if the rat-flavored whiskey hasn't killed him yet," said Hawke purplely.

We left the mansion, when suddenly! We were attacked! It was............ a band of pozer blood mages!

I fuking hate the Bloodragers. They are such wannabes, not reel goffs at all lik me! Dat's why dey use blud mejick cuz dey're not cool enough or powerful like me, a real mage!

"And we're under attack. What a surprise!" said Garrett Hawke with a humorous laugh as he nocked his bow and let loose an arrow. It flew through the air like a goffik bolt of righteous pozer-hating justice and burrowed into the skull of a blud mege. Sebesten was shooting his own less awesome arrows, while Abelin smacked people around with her shield, and Fenrys was swinging around his ugly sword which was so big it wuz obviously overcompensating for sumthin.

As for me, I was kicking pozer ass with my big goffik staff, and B'Lodi Venjenss an I cast black fireball after blak fireball, each one incinerating and obliterating the pozer in its blast.

I'm da greatest mage evah.


End file.
